MIA, Summer, and Randomness

Well, where can I start.
I've been MIA.
I have 5! kids.
This summer wiped me out.
Did I mention I also have a daycare? I do. So that means there are between 5-9 kids running around every day at any given time. Did I also mention that I've loved it? Maybe not all the time, but I do. I love having my babies at home at the same time. They get bored. I get annoyed that they're bored. They bicker. And fight. And cry. And I get annoyed. They also love each other. And read books together. And play together. And help each other. And laugh together. It fills my heart with joy. Pure joy. I don't know how to explain how I feel.

I love them. They are healthy, beautiful, smart little people. How God thought I was worthy of them I will never understand. They have shown me how to love unconditionally, forget about the big picture at times and cherish the little things. Nothing is forever. Nothing is set in stone.

I do have to admit, it isn't always easy. Times are tough. Money has to be put away. 5! college educations to pay for - because they will go to college. Budgeting and lists are my best friends. But after all is said and done, they have everything they could possibly want. Or need. They have a mommy who thinks they hung the moon. And that they are simply amazing little people who will grow up to be amazing big people. Who will make good choices. Who will respect life and themselves and their family.

Ok. So I'm rambling. I've just been thinking. That's all. Thinking about what the future holds and how tenuous a hold we actually have. I had an epiphany. At Wal-Mart of all places. In the sippy cup aisle. I was getting some sippy cups for Isaiah because he doesn't like to drink juice from bottles. Or formula. He's cornfed. So I'm there and it dawns on me that I will never again have to purchase sippy cups. I'm talking never, never say never, again. And it made me so happy. Not bittersweet happy, but genuinely happy. I could actually see the next phase of our lives that did not include baby paraphernalia. Does that sound mean? I hope not. I'm happy that after 5! kids I feel complete. I'm happy that it didn't take 10 kids. I'm happy I really enjoyed their babyness and that I didn't want to let go. I'm happy they have stayed babies for a long time. With the exception of 1. He just grew up too, too, way too fast. It's like he couldn't wait to grow up! I'm happy that Isaiah is the last baby. I'm happy to move on to different phases of our lives. All of that at Wal-Mart. Go figure.

That being said, ask me if my soon to be 13 month old still nurses. Yup. Sure does. Do I have any plans to quit anytime soon? Nope. Hypocritical say you? Nope. Just different phases of different phases. I need him just as much as he needs me. His needs are those of comfort over nourishment. If he gets startled, or happy, or hungry, or angry, or simply senses that another sibling is getting too close to his mommy, he nurses. Do I need him to need me right now? I do. I need to feel his chubby little body against mine. I love how his other hand just wraps itself around my shirt as if he could never part with me. How his body sometimes has a mind of its own and he twists and turns trying to get comfortable while never breaking his latch. How he does this deranged ape act, banging on my chest when he wants to nurse and I take too long to produce the goods. How he knows when I try, and I loosely use this word, to put him down in his own crib. In his own room. Because I'd like to sleep 1 night without having him rest his entire body on my pillow. And he won't cooperate. And so I bring him back to my bed all the while asking myself why I didn't just leave him on my pillow and move to the foot of the bed. Again. I need him more than ever because he is the last baby. At least from my loins. Then I remember that it won't last forever. He will grow up and probably not want to be associated with me at all. And that will be ok. Heartbreaking, but ok. So for now, it's the last time i'll buy sippy cups, I'll still continue to nurse, and I'll enjoy all 5! of them. Until the next phase.